#307 Tell My Mom I Forged Report Cards in High School
When I was having lunch with Syliva, we were talking about the things we did to avoid displeasing our strict Asian parents. An old memory popped into my head. I completely forgot that I forged report cards in High School so my Mom wouldn’t get mad at me for getting… B’s.
I knew that I had to finally clue her in on this. I had already divulged the long, dark secret about my shoplifting apprehension despite my Dad’s nervous objections over 20 years later. Her reaction to that more than anything was surprise. As in, “how the fuck did you and your Dad keep this from me for so long??”
Was I really scared my Mom was going to freak out? Somewhat. You never know how my Mom will react to something. You might expect her to be mad and she’s fine. Then there’s the opposite and infinitely worse: you expect her to be chill and she goes ape-shit bonkers.
I called her after class tonight and when she answered, surprised because I usually call on the weekend, I didn’t know what to say. I thought it would be weird to just tell her outright, so I made up a story about how I was talking to one of my high school friends, catching up on old times and lo and behold…
“Did you know I forged some of my report cards in High School?” I asked.
“What ‘forge’??”
“I used to make fake report cards in High School.”
“Make fake what??”
“Report cards. You know, in High School.”
“High school??”
…TWENTY MINUTES OF EXPLAINING LATER…
She finally understood what I was saying. She asked me how I did that and I said with our computer. “You had a computer??” Ladies and gentleman, my mother!
When she understood exactly what I had done. That I had intercepted the mailed report card from the school, made a fake one on my computer, printed it out (“We had a printer??”), put it an envelope adressed to the house and mailed it from a mailbox across town. She asked me what grades did I change to A’s. I told her B’s to which she said:
“I wouldn’t care if you got a B.”
My mom has said some really crazy shit in the 36 years I’ve been alive, but that was the coup de grace. It was so absurdly the exact opposite of how it really was.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked. Then I proceeded to remind her exactly how much she did care about B’s back then.
Eventually, when knew everything, she laughed because who gave a fuck about a getting a B and making fake report cards? No one. Not any more at least. It’s hard to believe how much that mattered to me, even her back then. It was the world.
“See? That’s what I’ll do to make you happy,” I said. “Even now.”
That’s when we started talking about my whole career decision. But it wasn’t bad. “As long as you make money, you can do what you want,” she said. I told her I wasn’t stupid, I wanted to make money. I didn’t need to be rich but I needed enough to live obviously.
And that was it. The conversation overall was good. We got to laugh about an old secret and maybe make some progress on our relationship now.
