#306 Adopt a Tiger
I just adopted a motherfucking tiger. Not a tiger that copulates with matriarchs. That was just a figure of speech. But yeah, a goddamn bad-ass tiger.
It costed just $25 through the WWF. Apparently tigers are becoming endangered or something. The money donated helps by giving other tigers flu shots, fur coats to keep warm in the winter and condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. I am 98% sure that most of what I just said is not true. But the money helps. Somehow. It says so on the website.
My parents never donated anything to anybody. Seriously. I’ve never seen it happen. Not to bums (my Dad would turn on the wipers and squirt them when they’d try to wash our windshield) or any organizations or charities.
So giving to charity or worthwhile causes doesn’t come as second nature to me. But it was something I vowed to do when I was financially able to.
They were also horrible tippers. Which is probably why I tip so much. But back to my tiger.
I admit. This isn’t the scariest thing I’ve done. What will be scary is when they deliver my tiger to me. I don’t know if it will be full grown or what. I don’t have a problem raising a tiger. It would be easier if it comes full grown though. That way, I can begin unleashing him on my enemies immediately.
I would like to be able to ride my tiger. Not only to intimidate and destroy those who oppose me. But just as another form of transportation to do regular things. Shopping. Getting Coffe. Going to the mall. Going out to eat.
But man, if someone does get on my bad side. Look out. Either I will send the tiger in stealth style. Creeping up on my unsuspecting foe and vivisecting him before he even knows what’s happening. Or I will ride my tiger straight at him, maybe cracking a whip or holding some sparklers. Something intimidating. When my unfortunate target starts running, I’ll dismount and send my tiger after him. He will bring back my opponent in his jaws like a cat bringing a mouse to his master. Hopefully alive so I can toy with him.
At night we’ll sleep together in my bed. He’ll protect me from the monsters in my closet and under my bed. It will be a glorious friendship. I can’t wait.
