#283 Buy Embarrassing Items in a Drug Store
So I saw this tweet by Mortified producer, Anne:
Just bought a box of Fiber One cereal and some toilet paper, and was disappointed that the cashier didn’t even smile.Â
#poopisfunnyÂ#I’m5
which I thought was funny, but also it made me think about how embarrassing it can be to buy certain items in a drug store.
Awhile ago, I thought I had hemorrhoids. I know, sexy. But really, not to be graphic, but my asshole was raging with a crazy itch. So I figured it was hemorrhoids or worms. One or the other. Did I mention I’m single ladies??
Anyway, I decided if I had the ‘rhoids, I needed to bite the bullet and go get some Preparation H to relieve the fire in my emergency chute. I kept putting it off though because I was embarrassed. Finally, I couldn’t take it any more. My asshole felt like someone had poured ants and hot sauce into it so IÂ headed to Rite Aid.
I filled my basket with all sorts of “legitimate” items like soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant. You know, a bunch of stuff to show that I was a clean, datable guy despite my swollen and tender anus. I buried a small tube if Preparation H in the middle of it all and went to pay. I was sure everyone could see through my basket straight to the hemorrhoid cream. Of course they couldn’t. And the cashier didn’t give a fuck as she just wanted to scan everything as quickly as possible and go back to doing nothing.
Turns out it wasn’t hemorrhoids but an allergic reaction to some butt wipes I was using. Once I stop using them, my o-ring returned back to normal.
But after Anne’s tweet, I started thinking: what if I pushed the envelope? What if I tried to buy the most embarrassing things I could think of? Would I be able to do it? If I did, could I make the cashier say something to me just by the items I was purchasing? I needed to find out.
After a long day at work, I stopped by Rite Aid. I walked around the store for about twenty minutes picking up the most embarrassing things I could think of. First, I went to the women’s section and picked up some pantyhose. That made me think, obviously, of tampons. Grabbed the cheapest box I could find of those. Instead of regular Preparation H, I opted for hemorrhoid suppositories because, come on, that’s funny.
I went for the laxatives next (chocolate flavored). Then I figured I should get some lube (which I legitimated needed anyway). On my way there, I saw a box of plastic gloves. I thought that would be funny as a combo item. Into the basket they went followed by the aforementioned lube.
Next to the lubes, I saw a fairly cheap pregnancy kit so I got that as well. I looked around to see if anybody was watching me. Nobody was.
I continued to walk around. I tossed in some denture cream and a roll of duct tape, again, for the combo comedy factor.
As I passed by the literature section, I grabbed a book clearly marketed to repressed housewives called “The Taming of the Duke” (on sale). The cover featured a guy in a tunic which I figured was pretty embarrassing.
Then I passed by the holy grail of embarrassing items: the adult diaper section.
But fuck! Those things are expensive. Like 15 bucks. I didn’t want to spend anything more than $5 on shit I was never going to use. So I opted for a $4 box of bladder control liners (for women). They weren’t as iconic as full adult diapers but they still scream, “Hey everyone! I can’t hold my pee!”
I also got some toilet paper, detergent and Kleenex because, well, I actually needed those as well.
Now it was time to check out. I got a nice looking middle aged lady as my cashier. I glanced over at her as she scanned the items. She seemed pretty poker faced at first then I could tell that perhaps slowly she was realizing all the items she was scanning. It was a subtle thing but I noticed it.
I swiped my credit card and paid when she said, “Oh I don’t think I scanned the toilet paper.” She looked over the receipt then handed it to me. “Do you see it on there?” I looked through the damn thing:
And had the hardest time not laughing. The fact that I had to run through the list of ridiculous items in front of her was almost too much for me.
“Nope, don’t see it on there.” So she grabbed the scanner to scan the toilet paper in. Only she missed and scanned the hemorrhoid suppositories again.
“Oops!” Now she looked a little nervous and embarrassed. She had to void out the hemorrhoid suppositories sale and scan in the toilet paper. “Time to go home I guess!” she said and I laughed.
I gathered up my things and went home. Turns out when you really don’t need any of the stuff, it’s not so embarrassing. Even if you did, hey, we’re all human right? Someday I may need adult diapers or ultra sheer pantyhose. You never know.
This is what my haul looked like:
As to what I’ll end up doing with all this stuff, I don’t know. Probably put them all in the bathroom the next time I have a woman over my place just to see her reaction.
