#282 Ask My Friend for His Honest Opinion of Me
I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and relationships. I used to think that I wanted to get married and have kids. Then I wasn’t so sure. I don’t know exactly why that changed. I used to think I knew what I wanted in a girlfriend. But then that completely went out the window with Clara. In short, I’ve been a bit confused about everything. I was going to have coffee with my friend, Bob. I decided my scary thing for the day would be to…
“Tell me what you really think of me.” I said this to Bob as we sat in a Starbuck’s. Bob looked confused.
“Like if I wasn’t me, how would you talk about me behind my back? Specifically as it pertains to women.” Bob laughed. He said he never really thought about it.
“I can understand if you don’t want to or it makes you uncomfortable. But I really want to know. I know how I think I come off to other people. I’m interested in what someone else really thinks about me. And my choices with women.”
Bob has known me for 6 years now and over those years he’s seen a lot of my relationships first hand and heard even more about them from our coffee sessions. If anybody can give a comprehensive point of view about me, it’s him.
Plus, Bob can be pretty straightforward so I didn’t expect him to pull any punches. Which of course was what made the whole thing scary. What was he going to say? How harsh was it going to sound? Would I be strong enough to take it without getting mad at him? Did I really want to know what someone else thought of me?
I couldn’t tell if Bob’s reluctance came from him not wanting to hurt me or that he really hadn’t thought about it.
“Just give to me straight. No holds barred. I can take it,” I said.
“What’s that famous line from Forrest Gump?” he asked me. “Life is like a box of chocolates?” I offered.
“No, another one.” I thought for a moment then it came to me. “Stupid is as stupid does?”
Bob nodded. I laughed. “For someone who hasn’t thought about this, that was a good one,” I said.
He was referring to my romantic endeavors. He basically said he didn’t think any of the girls I’ve gone out with have been the right fit for me. Which makes sense since I’m not dating any of them any more. He further said the words I’d been dreading:
“You’re a fixer.”
I hate that term. Or more accurately, I hate to think I’d be considered one. I don’t think I want to fix women so much as I want to believe in the best in them. Because as cynical as I may come off, I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. Which probably doesn’t help either. I guess I just see a lot of the good things in women and perhaps ignore some of the not so good.
“You can’t date potential,” he said.
Along with that, he said I seem to go after damaged women. I don’t think I do consciously. But yes, maybe I am attracted to a certain type of woman. And maybe that type of woman is attracted to me.
Bob then told me a few things about myself. He said when he first met me he thought I was odd. In a way, I took this as a compliment. Who wants to be remembered as normal? You won’t be remembered if you are normal, that’s the point. I would’ve said eccentric but that’s just me.
He also said that I can come off as cold which I totally get. I’m shy and have a hard time showing my feelings. It just comes from the way my family was, growing up in a house isolated from other kids and just my own personality. I said I’m better with people I know but Bob said I can be that way even with him. That kind of discouraged me a bit. Because I think I’ve come a long way. But I just think I will never be that type of person. I’m ok with that. But I do think I can loosen up.
“I don’t know how that comes off with your girlfriends,” he said. Now here is what he doesn’t know. I’m quite affectionate with my girlfriends. Probably, because I never got that affection with my family. I like to hug, snuggle, hold hands etc. It’s actually been a topic of discussion with a couple of my exes since they didn’t enjoy the same level of affection as I did.
We talked about my shifting view of marriage. He challenged me about how I think marriage is depressing because I see how it changes couple’s relationships. I see a lot of people getting married who shouldn’t and getting divorced. I see people giving up on life seemingly after they tie the knot. Dreams fall to the way side. Passion dies out.
But of course, that has nothing to do with me. I’m letting that get the better of me.
Our conversation ended at 2pm and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I’ve been thinking about how I need to re-examine what I want in a partner. I’ve realized, that deep down, I do want to get married. Or at least have that deep commitment. I do want to have kids eventually. The thing I’m most scared of, is not giving myself a chance to become a working writer before all of that. But I also realized that one does not preclude the other.
I felt good after our conversation. Bob is a good friend and I value his opinion. Sometimes it takes a friend to give you a slap in the face to wake you up.
